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Zirra Kicks the Widder's Ass

this page last updated: 02/01/2015 11:17:52 PM


<--Reasonable Facsimile

Unreasonable Facsimile-->

It's only a quarter mile back to the highway. I'll just let go of your neck, and you make a run for it. Ready, set...

This afternoon (06/24/08), Zirra showed up all out of shape, all fathered out, and all tired from the drive up from Philadelphia, and commenced to kick the Widder's ass in the first ever undisputed instance of her pretty little ass getting the tar kicked out of it.

The results are simple, direct, and easy to report.

The course was Silence of the Lambs. Mary posted a 126 watt average for the 34 mile course with a maximum of 425 watts.

Zirra posted a 330 watt average with a 1600 watt maximum to grab the crown.

To put this in perspective read the Floyd Landis book, "Positively False: The Real Story of How I Won the Tour de France."

In his book Floyd reveals that a typical good training ride for him averages 290 watts. That means Zirra pretty much beat Floyd too.

The opportunity to make this comparison adds credence to SlingShot's current theory that the real reason Floyd got his Tour de France title yanked was not for doing drugs, but for using his PowerTap during the race and publishing the results. 

Using drugs is more or less standard on the Tour, but telling the truth about a rider's actual performance is a big no, no, no.

Probably we should not be posting the comparison of the Widder and Zirra's ride either, but don't worry too much about it.

Even Zirra does not know how to use his SRM power meter effectively, so the Ringling Bros. Barnum and Bailey, World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown-like aspect of pro cycling is safe for the time being.

Everything you ever heard about cycling is wrong, but just go on back to your little world of cycling dreams.

Otherwise, for those who want to get real about their performance, just make a note that on this day (today) Zirra turned in a no-nonsense verifiable performance result that places him in the same league as the cycling greats.

You won't hear about it anywhere but here.

Along with his massive watts Zirra also proved to be a force on Heart Attack Hill.

Though he did not take the top, he was within ear shot and in front of Widder.

However, maybe the best report came from the final pace line back up Route 32 near the end of the ride where Zirra stayed right smack dab on the group's wheel.

In any case, nobody else has ever beaten the Widder.

In fact she retired from racing undefeated just after her very first race in Sussex, which she won fully one hour after she had already left the venue (well before her race began) saying, "That's it. I've had enough of this. I'm going home. I don't want to race."

Otherwise, nobody has ever beat the Widder, because nobody has ever turned in reliable actual ride statistics in order to prove a win.

Apparently nobody else has a watt meter, and none of the old school criteria used around the turn of the century (such as who happens to be in front at the end of a ride) is accepted by American Road Cycling.

All other criteria, other than actual recorded wattage, is considered to be a guesstimate at best.

Either you have objective external standardized data, or you don't. There is no try. Either you do, or you do not.

Of course it must be mentioned that while Zirra did hand Widder her ass, he in no way beat SlingShot who finished a good 15 minutes after the group which was a good thing since he was the only one who got to see Myles Billard hammering the back roads like a man afire.

SlingShot does not himself own a power meter and therefore has no reliable data to report; so, just like the rest of you, he is unbeatable.

Fortunately, the Widder did have an opportunity to get this photo of Humberto and his new baby, Andre, shown below.

Jen says he looks just like my cousin Paolo.
Humberto with his new baby boy.


Editor's Note: Currently American Road Cycling is in the process of organizing a return match between Widder and Zirra to be conducted as a weight lifting competition. In order to fairly balance the scales on this one, the old standards of cycling will be applied.

All the numbers on all the weights in the gym will be arbitrarily changed during the competition and the new numbers will be used to record results of the various lifts haphazardly. All this will be written down by officials who are not in attendance, and the final publication will be a summary of their thoughts.

This weight lifting competition will thus be very much like standard cycling, and exactly like the drug testing endured by Floyd.


this page last updated: 02/01/2015 11:17:52 PM

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