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Ridgebury Prime Winner Articles
Note: Prime
is pronounced "preem"



Rumor and Innuendo: 04/02/05

- Anonymous

Here is the story about the 3rd ever winner of the American Road Cycling Ridgebury Prime jersey. As with all Ridgebury competitions, these results stand firm unless successfully overturned by one of the participants or their legal surrogate or estate filing a complaint with American Road Cycling. The statute of limitations on contesting results is 47.5 years from the date of the competition.

As far as American Road Cycling knows, our roving reporter did not even show up for the 04/02/05 Hump. Furthermore, as far as we know, nobody at all showed up for it, because massive rains washed out most of wherever there was that could be washed out in the Northeast.

However, this is all for the best, because in the meantime there was a successful contestation of a previous Ridgebury Prime result, so this is the perfect opportunity to right any wrongs which may or may not have occurred and hand out another jersey.

Iron Mike Norton has lodged a complaint stating that during the 03/26/05 Hump, Dangerous Dan did indeed manage a breakaway which held to the top of Ridgebury. Mike's specific words were, "It was a slick move. He went out hard from the start, got the jump on all of us...and it worked."

Well, despite any implicit honesty that may be drawn from Mike's statement (made against his own interests as he would love to get a jersey himself), and despite our reporter (Nuclear Dan) stating that he himself witnessed Dangerous running in front of the group, American Road Cycling is loathe to change official results of a confirmed victory by Doug Allen.

Except, there are extenuating circumstances.

American Road Cycling also heard a rumor coming out of Stinkature Silos traceable back  to unnamed sources that Dangerous Dan did in fact cover the finish first, and was only caught by the front group after Ridgebury. So of course, a jersey must be awarded to Dan for his outrageous tactics and success.

Ordinarily we would not take the word of Iron Mike Norton alone (based merely on the fact that he was there and saw it); but, like all the other Great World Religions, American Road Cycling defaults unwaveringly to holding rumor, innuendo, and pure speculative fantasy as far superior to verifiable fact in making Official Declarations.

Therefore, Dangerous Dan is proclaimed the ancillary winner and recipient of the 3rd ever awarded American Road Cycling Ridgebury Prime jersey—for his breakaway hammer fest successfully completed during the 03/26/05 Hump.

Editor's Note: These results are fully in keeping with the new "Dr. Art Doctrine of Finish Line Fickleness," in which it has been firmly established that the finish line of the Ridgebury Prime is a variable location which may or may not be found at the top of Ridgebury, but may even be found at the very bottom of the climb, or anywhere along the Hump plus various parts of Orange County, or elsewhere. You will never know if you have won until your jersey is awarded to you. [More at: Dr. Art Doctrine...]

Editor's Second Note: These results also favor the American Road Cycling primary goal, which is to have all half dozen of the jerseys awarded before they even get here.

Editor's Third Note: Apologies to Dangerous Dan for the Editor's previous statement that " is a well known fact that Dangerous wouldn't be likely to finish the ride before anybody got anywhere..." This statement is currently under review and may be revised depending on whether or not it is decided that anybody actually likes Dangerous enough to allow him to continue showing up for rides.

Editor's Fourth Note: The Editor has taken it under advisement that everybody is really fucking sick of all his notating.











this page last updated: 02/01/2015 10:38:49 PM

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